The Mummy

When I was about 7 or 8 years old ( I don’t really remember my exact age) I told my mom that I wanted to dress up for (and win) the costume contest at school. So she came up with the idea to dress me up like a realistic looking mummy.

She took a bunch of white bead sheets and cut them into strips. She cut them, tore them, rubbed them in dirt, basically did all kinds of things to make them look old and decayed.

The morning of school, she woke me up early because it was going to take some time to get me “ready”.

First thing she does is put long-johns on me, “just in case there is a hole in the costume, they won’t see skin, so it will be more realistic”. Sounds good mom. Thanks for thinking of everything!

So her an my older sister begin to wrap me in these ragged torn strips of 100% cotton bed sheets.

So they wrapped.

And wrapped.

And wrapped.

And wrapped.

And before you know it, I am covered from head to toe in three layers of “mummy wrappings”. I was wrapped up so good, I could hardly walk (think Ralphie’s little brother in A Christmas Story).

I was so “mummified” that there was no way that I could walk to the bus stop, so I had to be drug to it in a red wagon.

At school, my day went something like this:

First Period
Sorry I’m late, it took me 5 extra minutes to get to class because I can barely walk.
Man, I can’t wait for the end of the day, I am so going to win this contest.

Bell rings, time for second period

Second Period
Man, this is going to be great when I win…but damn, it’s getting kind of warm. I can’t carry my own books and I need help to stand up.

I need some water, I’m starting to get hot.
raising hand
“TEACHER, can you take me to the water fountain and then my next class so I’m not late.”

Third period.
JESUS CHRIST I’M SWEATING LIKE A FUCKING FAT KID AT FAT CAMP! It’s soooo hot.

bell rings

Lunch
I can’t eat because my mouth is covered. Offers to uncover my head are denied for fear it will ruin my costume, and thus my chances and claiming MY first place prize for BEST COSTUME!

Recess
What’s that Miss Littleton? HEEELLL NO, I’m not going outside…are you crazy, its f*cking hot enough in here in the A/C.

4th Period
10 minutes into class
“Miss, I think I need to go to the nurse…I don’t feel so good.”

Nurses Office
Nurse: What’s wrong Barry?
Barry: I don’t feel so…BLAHHHHH BLAAAHHH BLLLAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH BLLLAAAHHHH BBBLLLAAAAHHHH

I vomited inside my mummy suit and proceeded to pass out from heat stroke.

I wake up to find my mom hovering over me crying and telling me how sorry she was for doing this to me.

My only words…”Did I win?”

“Yes honey”, she replied. “Look, here is your ribbon.”

I held up to my eyes and read it.

“HONORABLE MENTION!” I yelled. “You revived me for THAT!?!? You should have just let me die!”