If you read part one, then you already know that when I was 11 years old my grandmother gave me a set of used, faded poker chips for Christmas (and no playing cards). The sad part is, that was not the worst gift she has ever given me, or anyone else for that matter.
I don’t remember if it was the second or third year that he was around, but I do know that I will never forget the look on my brother-in-laws face when he opened his present that beautiful Christmas day. I don’t think he really knew what to expect, I mean it’s not often you get a Christmas gift in a brown paper lunch sack.
I think I need to remind you that my grandmother was a sweet woman. HOWEVER, she was not the most “hip”, and she damn sure wasn’t up on what makes a good gift.
Anyway, there we are, sitting around getting ready to open gifts. I could definitely tell I was not going to get house shoes this Christmas, as my box was to big for that. But I could not help but notice that the ONLY gift that my brother-in-law had in front of him didn’t look like much of a gift at all as it was a brown paper sack. But, I thought, at least my grandmother is giving him something…at least he will have something to open.
We begin to open gifts and I get a robe (go figure). I forget what the person next to me got, hell I don’t even remember who was next to me. The reason is simple, I blocked everything else out after I saw my brother-in-law open his gift.
When it was his turn, he looked around for approval and said in his best fake ass “I’m just happy I’m getting something” tone, “I wonder what it is?”
Oh DON’T WE ALL!!!
So there he goes, he unrolls the top of the paper bag, pulls each half apart and looks down
I can still see that face he made. I will never EVER forget that face. I can only imagine what was going through his mind as he stared and the most awesome Christmas gift ever. He looked up and I swear he was so white he was clear. He looked at my sister as if to say, “Bitch, what have you done to me?” Then he looked at me with a look of terror and panic. So I did what any good brother-in-law would do, I said “Hold it up and let us see it”.
“Yeah” my aunt said.
“Yeah, let’s see it” said one of my cousins.
So, he really had no choice. Again, he looked into the bottom of that bag of Christmas goodness, looked up once more at all of us with a “you people are fucking crazy” look on his face, then reached his hand in the bag and pulled out the most BEAUTIFUL onion you have ever seen!!!
I swear to god, I thought I was going to piss all over the Christmas tree I was laughing so hard. Of course, my grandmother was looking dead at him, so all he could so was look her in the eyes and say “Wow, an onion. Thank you so much.”
Yes, thank you Nannie, thank you for the funniest fucking Christmas I have ever had.
The problem was, my turn was coming the next year, I just didn’t know it.
Continue on to Part 3