So there I was, hungry as shit and in a hurry. I was on my way back from a lunch meeting where I didn’t get to eat.

“I know,” I thought to myself, “I’ll just swing into the Subway and pick up a sando to take back to my desk.”

It was late in the day so I didn’t think it would be that busy. Turns out I was right. There was only one woman in line in front of me. I got lucky…or so I thought.

I knew as soon as she started talking that this woman was going to take WAAAAY longer than I wanted her to. You know how you can just tell people are stupid by the way they start to talk.

The Subway woman asked, “What would you like on your sandwich?”

“oh…uhhhhhh….uhhhhhhmmmmm….I’ll take some of those red things. No. Yeah. Wait. Yeah, no those red things there. Yeah. The red things. Those. Yeah, the red ones.”

What in the fuck do you mean “those red things”!?!? You mean those fucking tomatoes??? Because that’s what they are called!

But it didn’t end there…

“Oh and uhhhhhh…uhhhhmmmmm……OH! I want some of those round, green things too.”


Look, I can understand how you could be 350+ pounds and NOT be able to identify a tomato. I get that it’s not only a vegetable (yes, I realize it is “botanically a fruit“…fuck off smart ass, this is my story).

As I was saying, I get that it’s not only a vegetable but that it’s also one of the main ingredients in a salad; something of which you have no working knowledge of, having never seen an actual salad.

But a pickle?


You show me one other heavy person on this planet that can’t identify a fucking pickle.

To top it all off, when I get back to my desk and I had to listen to some other fat girl crunch on chips as she tells somebody on the phone how she’s never had a cavity.

Let’s be honest here, if you are fat and you’ve never had a cavity…its probably because you have never gone to the dentist.

And before ANY of you fat people start getting mad at me or offended, I can talk like this…some of my best friends are fat.

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