A Rant: Advice From a Man on How To Get a Man (With and Without Facebook)

Ladies, if you are looking for a man please stop looking on Facebook – you are not going to find a man using social media. I’m sorry, but it’s just not going to happen (unless of course you know HOW to do it, and I’ll share that with you shortly).

And for the love of god please stop posting those sappy, unrealistic, “romance” pictures and quotes on your timeline. It’s doing nothing for you.

If you really want to find a man, go back to being a flirty slut at bars and night clubs. That’s how you’re gonna get a man; not posting sentimental bullshit on your timeline. And  tagging all of your fellow vagina-ites in some sappy romance novel cover, reject picture of a man and a woman holding hands isn’t going to further your cause of attracting a mate either.

You know men think when we see that stuff? “Oh lord. She requires WAY too much effort.”

When we see you posting those stupid pictures of you at the beach making a heart with your hand as the sun sets in the background, do you know what goes through our minds?

Your SEF rating is too high.

You can read all about the SEF rating here, but what it boils down to is; when your SEF rating is too high, it means it’s going to require too much effort to have sex with you.

I digress.

Now I’m not saying you CAN’T use Facebook to get a man, you just have to be smart about it; and lets face it, being smarter than us men really isn’t that difficult.

Post some scantily clad pics of you. A bikini shot will do wonders. Show some side tittie-meat.

Side note ladies, if you’re gonna post that one picture of you laying out at the pool or the beach where all we see is your legs and feet and the water, PLEASE do us all a favor and get a pedicure before hand. Most of your feet look like you walked to the beach, kicking a pineapple the whole way there.

Again, I digress.

If you really want to get a man and you are dead set on trying to do it via Facebook, post some pictures of you felating something, anything; I don’t give a shit what it is – swallow a sword, make a candle disappear (bonus if it’s lit). If you have a  cover photo of you inhaling a string of link sausages like a cartoon character, I promise you, you’ll have to hire an assistant to help you respond to all the friend requests from guys you’ll get.

Any one of the above will work a lot more than some fake, inspirational, bull shit picture with a cute little message on it that you are obviously too stupid to come up with on your own.

All that being said, if you really want to get a man,  spend LESS time on Facebook.

Better yet, here’s an idea: log off of Facebook! Shocking concept I know, but hear me out on this.

Shut down your computer, dress up as slutty as you possibly can with out actually showing us your vagina and/or nipples. A little ass is OK; if we can see the lower portion of your ass cheeks that fine. Sure, other girls are gonna call you a trashy whore but so what, if you cared what they thought you’d be at a lesbian bar.

In fact, it’s more fun if you have a little ass hanging out from the bottom of your skirt. It’s like being able to shake all your present before you go to bed on Christmas Eve; you know there’s some good shit behind the rapping, you’re just not 100% sure what it is – but you can’t wait to find out!

So dress up like a slut! Go be a cock tease for drinks at “Bar FancyName” – because you being there, at the bar, tells us 2 things:

1. The first thing it tells us is that you’re easy. Why is this important you ask? Because guys are lazy as shit. We don’t want to have to do anything that requires effort. Why do you think we like video games so much? Because we can kill shit or go fast and all we need to do is move our thumbs around in a circle to make that happen.

2. The second thing we know when we meet you at a bar? That it’s only going to take $20 worth of drinks and some IHOP after the club to get a mouthy out of you versus us having to take you to some beach in the Caribbean so you can walk barefoot in the sand and get all horny and emotional at the same time.

So what is the take away here ladies? Simple, really.

Post picture of you swallowing things on Facebook – get a man.

Show some ass at the club – get a man.

You’re welcome.